Saturday, August 16, 2008

Tall Ducks?

A motorist in a B.M.W. was driving through the countryside on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, having a lovely time, when he came to an area of the road that was covered with a rather large puddle of water from a previous rain storm. Worried that he was going to damage the car and its engine in the deep water, he spotted a nearby farmer and asked how deep the water was. "Arr", said the local farmer "That water only be a few inches deep!" Relieved, the motorist edged his car into the water, expecting to come out the other side in no time. Instead, as he drove in, the water came right up the side of the car, and the engine sputtered to a halt. Sitting there in his soaking wet luxury car, the motorist yelled at the local angrily: "I thought you said this water was only a few inches deep!!!" "Well," replied the local farmer "It only come up to the waist of them there ducks!"

Friday, August 15, 2008

Duck Chapstick

A duck walks into a store and says, "Give me some Chapstick."
The clerk says, "How are you going to pay for that?"
"Oh, just put it on my bill."

Help Me Doc!

So this guy walks into the doctor's office with this big white duck on his head.

The doctor looks up and says, "Yes, sir, can I help you?"

And the duck says,

"Yeah, can you get this guy off my butt?"

Alone With a Duck

Far Side duck

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."

They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck to the veterinarian's office. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room. He returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She screamed, "$150.00!" "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."

Duck Soup

What do ducks like to eat with their soup?


Evolution At Work

Why do ducks have flat feet?

From stomping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

From stomping out flaming ducks.

Got Any Duck Food?

A duck walks into a store and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk replies, "No, I'm sorry, but this is a book store."

The next day the duck walks into the same store and asks, "Got any duck food?"

"No, I told you yesterday - this is a book store."

The next day the duck walks into the same store and asks, "Got any duck food?"

"What's the matter with you? I told you No twice already - if you ask me one more time I'll nail your little flat feet to the floor!"

The third day the duck walks into the same store and asks,"Got any nails?"

"Nails? Of course not! This is a book store."

"Good. Got any duck food?"

For the Kids Out There

What has webbed feet and fangs?

Count Quackula.

Parlez vous Duck?


"Everything at IKEA requires assembly. I bought a pillow, and they gave me a duck."

- Comedian Todd Glass


A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low flying airplane coming right for them. So the man yells "DUCK!!!!" The duck looks angrily back at the man and yells "MAN!!!!"

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Stepping on Bubbles

Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Quack." the duck answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was stepping on bubbles." he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Quack," the duck answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was stepping on bubbles." the duck replied.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.

"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Ducks To Go

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

Monday, August 11, 2008

I Hope You Get This

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my brother been in here?”
The bartender responds, “What does he look like?”

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Three Kicks For a Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

Friday, August 8, 2008


What did the detective duck say to his partner?

"I hope we quack this case."

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Sick Duck

Where did the duck go when he was sick?

To the ducktor.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Pigs and Ducks

A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey where'd you get the pig?"

The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"

The bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!"

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Alarm Ducks

I have two ducks that I use as an alarm clock.

They wake me up at the Quack of dawn.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Movie Duck

So, this guy has a pet duck and he goes to the movie theater to see a movie and brings his duck with him. He goes to the ticket window and says to the lady, "I'd like two tickets, one for me, and one for my duck."

The lady says, "I can't give your duck a ticket."

The man says, "What gives? This is my pet duck. I take him everywhere."

The lady says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot bring that animal inside the theater."

The man says fine and walks around the back of the theater, unzips his pants, sticks the duck in there, zips up, goes back around front and buys one ticket.

He sits down to watch the movie next to some old ladies. He unzips his pants and the duck sticks his head out to get a little air.

The old lady next to him turns to her friend and whispers, "Hey Mabel, there's a pervert sitting next to me. He's got his thing out."

Mabel whispers back, "Just enjoy it dear. At our age we don't get to see many of those anymore."

She whispers back, "But I'm nervous. This one's different."

Mabel answers, "Oh really? What's so different about it?"

"It's eating my popcorn!"

Blind Teller

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." She decided that was also really cheap.

And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." She told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."

Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."

He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Duck Hunting Doctors

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Friday, August 1, 2008

Dancing Duck

There was a bar man who owned a duck who danced on a tin box. He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop. He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!"